dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
