my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
