I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
