I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
