you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
