Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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