so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
kristin has been a bad kristin
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
