Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
