Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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