I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
