I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
