He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
