Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
