If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
