i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
