You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
