He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
