I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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