They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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