from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
