Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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