Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Randomize