I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
