let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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