I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
