Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
