I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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