Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
