My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
