I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
