when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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