wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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