I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
