1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
