sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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