I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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