She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
