I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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