don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Drake has all the answers
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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