You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Alive.
So much puke
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
