god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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