Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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