I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
