I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
