We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize