i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
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