It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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