im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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