Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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