You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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