Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize