No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
