i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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