Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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