If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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