I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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