i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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