I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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