Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
